As we prepare to start a new school year, I am continually grateful for the district we found which enables my son to learn in an inclusive classroom. He has become a fabulous student, despite continuing issues with expressive language. He is a beautiful writer and can read and do math at grade level.Still even here there are challenges. Here is one we dealt with last year.

His teachers tell me most of the time he is quiet in class, and until last year we accepted this without question. In the middle of third grade Benny began to complain in the mornings before school. After three years of happiness he said he did not want to go to school. All reports pointed to great progress and it took me a few weeks to get to the root of his despair. One morning with tears streaking down his cheeks he told me he is sad because he never can answer any questions in class. He went on to question why his teachers say such good things about him when he does not ever answer a question. Now sobbing he added that he does not answer because he does not know the words.

Suddenly I realized that he needed more. He wanted to participate and was frustrated because his expressive language difficulties made this impossible.

I went right into school and asked to meet with the school psychologist and the speech therapist and together we came up with a relatively simple plan: We decided that in his speech sessions he would research topics related to those his class was learning about in school. For example they were studying Kenya at the time, so Benny made a poster with pictures of the people, the animals and the landscape. He then wrote down descriptions of the pictures and practiced reading them to his small speech group. When he was ready his teacher gave him a few minutes to share his poster with the class. He was on cloud nine.

Once we saw how much he enjoyed the limelight, a surprise for us all, I realized that he needed more opportunities to talk in a way that made him comfortable. His school has a club called Junior announcers, where students take turns giving the morning and the afternoon announcements over the PA system. I asked Benny if he would like to do this. He smiled. We arranged for him to join and a few weeks later he was up there with the microphone. I stayed for the first announcement and to hear his voice, clear and strong, circulating throughout the school was one of the greatest moments of my life- one akin to his very birth, 9 years ago.

He went back to his classroom to a standing ovation and then a student directed line up in order that each and every student could give him a high five.

The moral behind this story- never settle, never assume that your child would not want a certain kind of attention. If your child is sad, there is a reason behind the sadness. As your child grows, his needs will change, and it is your job as a parent to find out what they are and then to make the necessary changes happen.

As we begin fourth grade I wait to see and hear what he will need and I hope I will have the ingenuity and patience to find a way for him to achieve all the goals he has for himself. The IEP is a guide for the school, your child should be the guide for you. Best of luck to all.

Inclusion is my first meeting with a very well dressed principal promising me that he will "make it work," while lying on the sidewalk beside my unhappy son.

Inclusion is a five year old girl helping my son unpack his book bag, rather than hearing each day from his teacher that she can't possibly have the time to do this.

Inclusion is my son pushing the same girl on the swing at lunch.

Inclusion is my son's classmate coming over and with the timing of a seasoned therapist and the love of a friend teaching him how to play.

Inclusion will only succeed when teachers feel supported and never feel alone.

Inclusion works best when there is no easy alternative- no place for the child to be moved to.

Inclusion takes advantage of natural supports which develop when a child is placed with his peers.

Inclusion means that his teachers do not demand that he change before they teach him.

Inclusion means his teachers are willing to learn from him.

Inclusion is a place where acceptance is so universal it defies definition.

Inclusion is a place where every child is fully involved and has no limits places on what they can learn or who they can be.

Benny craves friendships and has made a few close friends over the past three years. It takes a solid, strong and insightful child to make it past the first few play dates with Benny.

 Benny often ignores his friends at first, preferring to hide out in his bedroom or watch a video when they come to the house for the first time. I shy away these days from first time dates because they are so difficult for us all. I rationalize that Benny has two close friends and that is enough for now. For the past few months though he has been asking to have Jake come and I finally asked his mother and he came for his first visit today.

 Benny waits by the window for hours anticipating the arrival of his friend, but as soon as the doorbell rings, he retreats to his room, and will not come out. In his room he is busy making strange noises- loud raspy attempts to imitate the ignition on a bus. I know this only because I see him holding his eyes to the wheels of a picture he had drawn. To Jake it must sound very scary.

 Jake is a quiet boy with the largest blue eyes I have ever seen. His face has not caught up yet to his large front teeth and I see that he is close to tears.

 Benny is not content to simply be alone in his room, he calls out to me repeatedly that I should tell Jake to leave, that he does not like Jake and he does not want to play with him.

 I can’t figure out who to attend to first, but I choose Benny. My attempts to reason with him and then cajole him to go out and play make him angry and he decides to send me to my room, to my bed, yell at me to stay put and tell me that I am in time out. As he slams the door I felt a momentary relief.

 I decide to stay in my room, curl up in my bed and feel the guilt for having made the move to an inclusive district. Suddenly it seems a cruel trick to have placed him beside the typical. Had he stayed in a self-contained program, there would be no bright eyed boy experiencing rejection in my living room, while I sit in exile behind a door. And Benny would not be failing to connect with a boy he adores, striving to make connections which might be out of reach.

 So I begin to write and as I write I hear them talking. Jake asks where I went and Benny explains that he put me in time out. Jake questions further, does not really get it, and I fear that when he tells his mother, she will lose respect for me as well. It seems however that Jake thinks Benny is quite clever and cool. They discuss my situation for a few minutes and I hear Benny has softened, a kinder gentler child is back and slowly and quietly I open the door. I sneak into the den and continue to write, now on the couch tucked beneath my favorite window.

 They are in the basement now laughing so hard I can’t make out the words. I tip toe to the door, they are playing trains, Benny is the LIRR and Jake is an AMTRACK. They build a track of big soft blocks and they race around, up and down, and then they find the hula hoops to use somehow. They run for a half an hour and I know they must be sweating now. I leave my den to bring them ice cold water and big stick pretzels. They eat them quickly, they ask for more. They are still giggling as they sit and snack, Benny telling Jake our recent trip to the city. I try to hold back my tears until I am safely out of sight.

 How do you deal with the social challenges of raising a child on the spectrum? Does your child crave friendships he is not always ready to handle? Does anyone have an unusual play date story to share?